This is Part #2 of a 3-Part article. Scroll down to Monday’s posting to see Part #1 if you missed it. Part #3 will be posted on Friday. So check back. (Warning: It will probably help to have a drink before you tackle this trip of whimsy.)
Larry’s Experiment (Part 2)
Nov. 27, 2011. Ramon has developed an attitude, and it takes five or six glasses before he returns to his jocular self. I had to tell him that, regardless how much my remarks hurt, I liked him better when he drinks. Last night, after our talk and after eleven glasses, Ramon showed amazing muscular progress. He arm-wrestled the gerbil, who is four time his size, to a draw. I should also note that mere observers of an experiment like this, who are not even drinking, shed their inhibitions also, as if by osmosis. It was the gerbil who told me about the arm wrestling, since I missed it. I think I was on the phone – again. By the way, the gerbil speaks with an accent? The gerbil, who refuses to tell me his name, said that when he finally went to sleep about 4AM, Ramon and I were still sitting on the balcony arguing alternately about ‘free will’ and Inca religious symbols.
Nov. 30, 2011. I was considerate enough to call my wife and let her know that I would be late coming home since I was busy at my lab. In her typical snotty manner, she reminded me that we had been separated for almost four years, and added that she “didn’t give a flying f**k what ….” Well, never mind, I don’t remember exactly what she said. And, I was having a hard time talking to her because all during the call, Ramon was trying to crack me up by pantomiming humping the gerbil. Then he decided he was going to run a marathon on the treadmill. He only got about probably 20 yards before fell off and puked into the mouse’s water bowl.
Dec. 1, 2011. I had to separate the mice last night. I was cleaning up blood on the floor from some unknown origin, when the gerbil told me that the other mice, my control group, where about ready to go off the reservation. The puking in the water bowl was the final straw. So, I found a shoe box for Ramon, who then threw a fit just because I had overlooked and left the shoes in the box. Even after I took the shoes out, he was so stirred up that it took both me and the gerbil to scrape him off the outside of mouse’s cage. He was hanging there screaming at the mice about what wimps they were. Later, I told Ramon that he was getting weird on me. His only response was a vague reference to the weird crap I had been saying to ‘those women’ on the telephone. I tried to explain to him that once I started calling random phone numbers, all that stuff was moot.
Dec 4, 2011. Last night Ramon was all excited. He had heard of a study that showed there were a lot of health benefits in endocannabinoids, a phrase which I was not familiar with. It supposedly gave you smooth skin, and Ramon’s idea was that if we were going to live longer, then … But, then he started making fun of me because I was not familiar with the term endocannabinoids, or THC for that matter. I explained to him that I don’t listen to rap music. It was only when he suggested that we should probably just score some weed from that creepy guy in front of the pool hall that I finally figured out what he was talking about. I rejected that whole marijuana idea out of hand. We would need to apply for a grant to do something like that, and the Canadian would be back long before we could get approval. Plus, with my constant headache and recurring hand tremors I wasn’t up to the paperwork.
Dec 6, 2011. I have been trying to teach Ramon some of the terminology used in evaluating and grading different wines. It was hard to explain terms like ‘bouquet’, ‘nose’ and ‘after-taste’ to a mouse, especially a mouse that is focused on practicing his rap routine. I also found that some of the cheap Chilean table wines were less than a dollar a bottle if you bought it by the case – a great buy. I got a little testy when Ramon’s comments about my latest purchase included terms like ‘vinegary nose’, ‘vomit bouquet’ and ‘shitty after-taste’. He did advise me, however, about a new study that said tequila was loaded with resveratrol, while reminding me that researchers like me have to be flexible.
Dec 7, 2011. We had our own version of Pearl Harbor Day yesterday. Ramon twisted the head off of one our control group. Out of the blue, he was in a paranoid rage. The only warning we had was when he started screaming, “You looking at me?” Ramon and I were really having it out over that when the two hookers arrived at the door. I had a hell of a time convincing those two that I had not called them, regardless of what their cell caller ID said. And, I certainly would not have requested that they bring leashes and dress like cats. I can’t help but be suspicious of where that whole thing came from. But, I had to accept that adding the Jose Cuervo to the red wine experiment seems to have had diminishing returns. But, by the end of the night, we were trying to cheer up what remained of our control group by serenading them. The gerbil says the bad part was that Ramon and I could only remember the first two lines of the song, so we just kept repeating, over and over, “We are the world, we are the children..”
Dec 11, 2011. I realized that to maintain the integrity of my study, I was going to have to find something to keep Ramon occupied. I convinced the manager of the hotel that Ramon could chase the rats out of the hotel basement. Once Ramon gets a few bottles of red in him, he gets so loud and belligerent that no rat, regardless of size, will want any part of him. A few hours every afternoon in the basement should do Ramon some good as well. Yesterday, Ramon went down there for his first day at 2PM, but he was back in ten minutes. The dumb bastard failed the drug test when the hotel security guy insisted he piss in a bottle. I reminded him that I told him to take in a sample from one of the control group mice, “But, Oh no …” Well, he went off on me, “You think you rule the world …. Everybody is just supposed to jump….. I try to please you ….” Blah….. blah. Our first fistfight! The gerbil says the last he saw of us we were sitting on the balcony, surrounded by empty bottles, swapping experiences about what it is like to be the ‘only whites’ in an environment ‘of color.’
To Be Continued
The Conclusion of ‘Larry’s Experiment’ Will Be Posted Friday.
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