This is the last part of a 3-Part article. Scroll down to read Parts 1 &2.
Larry’s Experiment (Part 3 - Conclusion)
Dec. 15, 2011. We have crises! - the kind of crises that can derail a major project. It started when the gerbil started give me the 1st degree about being on the phone for over 30 minutes with a random-called stranger. I was trying to explain how some people need special help sometimes, but he didn’t understand. And, I didn’t have time to explain the concept of ‘closet transvestite’ to him, because I suddenly realized that the entire control group, the whole white mouse population, was missing. The gerbil finally admitted that Ramon had gone off on another of his rants, and took them one-by-one, swung them in a circle over his head by their tail and launched them over the balcony railing while screaming, “Volar cabrón!” Oh Jesus, he should have known they couldn’t fly! Ignoring the fact that Ramon had convinced me that he spoke no Spanish, I spent the next two days (as best I remember) trying to find just the right four replacement mice. I didn’t want the Canadian, who was due back in two days, to be any the wiser.
Dec 19, 2011. Well, yesterday here was like D-day and Hiroshima combined. The Canadian lands here like some kind of returning hero and promptly went nuts. Not the kind of behavior you would expect from a neighbor, much less a neighbor you had done a big favor for. He also was much more observant than I had anticipated. He initially got suspicious insisting there were originally only three colored mice, not four. God, what kind of dork goes around counting mice? And brown-spotted mice, black mice, what’s the big deal? He got his mice right? He also insists he can't hear Ramon talking, nor has he ever heard Ramon talk in any language. So, just because he is hard of hearing, the Canadian decides he needs to do one of those intervention things? (I think that’s what they called it.) Well, once the police got involved, it may be called something else, I don’t know. So I had them read my log so that they would understand the scientific nature of our actions over the past couple of weeks.
They would just read the log and then look at one another like they couldn't understand the breakthroughs I was documenting. I don’t think any of them had a scientific background; they didn’t seem to grasp all the technical jargon. Then they got all testy when I advised, as politely as I knew how, what Ramon had told me about their investigation to that point. Evidently they are all from the same little village some place here in Panama because they really got there 'civic pride' dander up at Ramon's reference to 'village idiots'. That is when they all decided to clam up and, among other things, decide they couldn't hear Ramon talking either. The scientific discussion went downhill from there.
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I am finalizing this document as a portion of my rehab program. I have just finished my morning walk. Twice a day they let me out into the exercise yard for 15 minutes. The Canadian came by to visit once last week, but refuses to bring Ramon. He says Ramon does not want to come. Well, what can you expect from a f*%ing mouse. If mice were so cool, they wouldn’t be used for experiments. Right?
But, these folks here have been real nice. They are really trying to help me get over this little hump. And, they keep things simple, the rehab programs here in Panama are very straightforward, so I should be out of here next week. The rehab program is called the ‘Two Step Programs’ - two simple steps: 1) Get your s**t together, and, 2) Get your ass outta here! I can handle that.
And, they are so concerned about my well being that their assistance continues even after I leave this facility. They are giving me an ankle bracelet that I will wear 24/7. I think it monitors blood pressure or something like that. And, I will have a weekly meeting with a fellow down at the courthouse. My Spanish is not good enough to sort out exactly what his title is, but I think he is some sort of a spiritual advisor. They emphasized that the meeting is mandatory; I think to insure that he realizes that he must show up. They are even going to keep my passport for me for the next three months, just to make sure that nothing happens to it.
I know this rehab program is working because I can already see where I went wrong – where I got off the straight and narrow. The mouse thing was the wrong program right from the start. Doomed to fail for a variety of reasons. And, what really irritates me is that, in my initial research, I totally overlooked a big study that involved pit bulls. Preliminary studies show that when pit bulls are provided adequate amounts of Jagermeister they turn into lovable pussycats. The type of creature that everybody, women in particular, just want to cuddle and pet. A pit bull that women can not keep their hands off of? Think about this, if a further study could show that even a portion of that tendency manifests itself in humans, can you imagine ……
Larry Matthews